• I lost my dreams in September nights?

it was the cool north winds blowing over the mountains down the sea
tearing away my dreams with the yellow leaves in the forests of hopes
it was the sunsets painting horizons shades of red down the valleys
taking away my dreams with the drying harvests on the fields of wheat
it was the stars shining in the September skies lightning up the nights
I lost my dreams in those September nights with the falling leaves,
harvests on fields under the shining skies and murders of peace

Istanbul is waking up to another sorrowful September morning
fog is stretching out from Black sea like a white cloud racing with the fishing boats
like a cotton sword dividing the lands of Asia from Europe, east from west
seagulls are rounding in flurry over the fishermen drawing the nets
a woman hurries down the silent street, sounds are frozen as in mourning
how soothing to listen the silence, how sad to live the locked memories of lost
am I dreaming or is this just a fragment from the lost dreams of yearning?

I don't want to remember how many years passed over every bloody September morning
that September morning waking my silent city with tank uproars, soldier boats
those September mornings pregnant to violence, thirsty for the blood of youngsters
I can't count the years anymore, I can't compare the wildness and violence anymore
am I still dreaming or is this just a disturbing memory of my uncountable lives
which September morning was first, which one left more unidentified murders, torturers
was it Santiago or Istanbul, were they the Chilean or Turkish students' filled the dungeons
was it Pinochet, Suharto, Saddam or Milosevich who won the championship of killing dreams

oh September, cursed September, what sorrowful nights, mornings you have
wasn't it one of your mornings which bring Hitler, begin the 2nd world war
wasn't it you who saved Mussolini, made the Jews wear the yellow star
was it one of my dreams or was I really in that train with Anna Frank to Auschwitz
who was that young Jewish woman executed with 800 others by Nazis in Lithuania
was she the blond one with green eyes preparing to join the resistance, was her name Bertha,
was she the one in the dream of Laila sleeping on the warmth of sand under the north star
when she went to death during the massacre of Israel in Chatila & Sabra refugee camps
was Laila murdered having a past life dream or was Bertha there to bring the light of the stars

I lost my dreams in your nights, in your mornings, under your stars, fields of graves
I can't identify myself, I can't identify where I am, I can't identify the time anymore
I am not sure if my dreams are still mine or I connect to thousands of dreaming minds
am I me in a cell in Istanbul or am I Celia in Santiago, Maria in Manila or Raina in Abu Gharib
are these the memories of a book I read years ago or is this a dream shared by all
answer me September, was I there when Germany begun 2nd World War bombing Poland
was I the Katia carrying bullets at the nine hundred days siege of Leningrad
was I the Lucia fighting with partisans at Turin or was I the nameless dead at Chu Lai in Vietnam

I see myself sending honey to Shadad, giving Firas goodnight kisses of a mom,
running in poppy fields hand in hand with Ahmad, I sing peace songs with Noor between sunflowers
I discuss with Wissam and Ali about overcoming the difficulties of life and war
hug the little one who lost legs to land mines in Bosnia, clean the tears of the orphans on the streets
hold the hand of Alena till death at the school attack in Beslan, pray over every tomb
are these lies I am trying to believe, are these my imaginations of hope or determination for future
will they ever come true, or are they already coming true in a different dimensions
why did I lost my dreams in September, or were they the dreams in my dreams what I lost

don't I used to fly in my dreams, don't my dreams used to tell me about future and past
don't they send and get messages to me, don't I have the power to change the events
or is it sleep what I lost, is it impossible to sleep, to rest with so much distress
it don't look like the blue emptiness I used to fly with joy, is this a twilight zone I am entering
this neither seems like my curious voyages in the dream world nor the nightmares I never have 
these don't look like the disasters I used to deal or the enlightening experiences I bare
there must be something I must remember, some door I have to open forgotten somewhere
the past and present, the future is tormenting; there must be a reason to find and care

I watched the Passion of Christ the night before, just before the sermons for Mir'aj
the blue wind in the mist was waving the dark hair of the Jesus of Nazareth
he was waiting them coming to take him, aware of the betrayal
the blue of the misty wind was turning to the strength of belief, the red of the blood
was it the wind getting stronger and taking me fly in time to Jesus of Nazareth
was it his beautiful eyes drawing me in the depth of dreams from the screen
was it me lost in time, lost in land, lost in grief, stroking his bloody face lost of breath
melodies of prayers from mosques were filling my mind, my eyes were filling with tears
it was the night of holly Mir'aj, Mohammed's ascending to the heavens
millions were prostrating, visions of violence of centuries were filling my mind

I lost my dreams in September nights, or were they the dreams in my dreams what I lost
the children are born in spite of bloody history of September
the children are dreaming in spite of the violence they have witnessed in their short lives
the youngsters are shouting for freedom, to stop wars in the countries of past dictators
the torturers and murderers can't hide anymore, the dictators fall one by one
dreaming is not enough can't make me content sometimes,
I need to reborn with children, shout for the freedom with young ones
oh September, maybe I didn't lost my dreams in your night but lost you in my dreams
in the darkness of the past, in the brilliance of courage souls
sleep well all the lost children and people of the shameful history
you will never be lost...there is always dreams in dreams in dreams in dreams......

15 September 2004 - Istanbul - (for all the September dreams & events of human & children rights)

• Suicide Bombing & Dying in Istanbul

it was one of the hot nights of the late summer, the twenty-fifth of August
suddenly I found myself in a red little car very strangely, not in body but in sprit
there was a man and a woman at the front seat whom I was trying to identify
I was looking at their dark hair from back, trying to see their faces but I can't
I was watching from the backseat, the car was full of effective explosives
there was another white bigger car with more explosives driving ahead,
woman was asking the man; if he can drive right in to the target if the first car fails
the man answer her to rely on him, he can reach the ship with success
woman assures the man not to worry after hitting the target
they must farewell in time, she will do the explosion fast
cars were fallowing each other  by the seaside of Bosphorous,  Istanbul....
I was terrified thinking Istanbul is in danger,
I have to learn as much as I can in this dream
it was impossible to see the faces other than the dark eyes mirror reflects
understand if there is hesitation or determination in those dark eyes 
I was trying to fly in the other car, see, listen what they were speaking
I am trying to understand where we were, where we were heading 
we are at the European side towards the Black Sea of Bosphorus
I am trying to think which target ship they may be talking
relaxing with the remembrance of there is no main harbor around
still feeling helpless not being able to fly to the other car
able to see the faces, listen and get more information
I woke up with the restlessness of waiting an explosion...

I wasn't watching the news for a time, didn't even open my computer
when reading my mails, came the first suspicions of manmade disaster
first Ginger made a connection with my dream and Bombay bombings
she was saying that she checked and bombings happened just after I entered my dream
similarities were there, two cars involved to a bombing near a river
days of sorrow, unhappiness, grief and guilt fallowed one another
another precognitive dream was come and gone, leaving the coldness of shiver
until the bombings begin to fallow one another in my Istanbul...
as I thought in that dream of months ago, "Istanbul was in great danger"
Istanbul woke up to the laud voices of explosions one after another
my hands were shaking writing every mail after every explosion
feeling so helpless as I have to announce the world the lost of my Istanbul....
there were only minutes between collapses of the buildings,
pouring blood to the streets, raining body parts on the play grounds.
old man was selling gums at the corner when the girl was climbing the subway stairs,
the woman passed unknown faces entering the bank to pay her water bills
the old woman was in front of the synagogue, the actor was on his way to studio
we cried for them all, we buried them to the hearts of a nation mourning
our dreams were tormenting, our minds were helpless in questioning

it was one of chilly nights of late autumn, the twenty-third November
I was at my usual market area which I couldn't bare to visit after the bombings
I asked Abraham to prepare me a sandwich, meat in my hand turning to bacon
he wasn't paying attention, I was getting hurt, after the friendship of nearly thirty years
somebody was telling about the lottery man with his wheel chair on the corner
he wasn't hurt and still protecting the street children at nights, keeping them safe
deciding to find the man and check the children, I begin walking towards the cemetery border
I begin getting lucid when I realize walking towards the ruins of bombed bank building
I was thinking if it can be bombed again when I was walking or if can change the time,
I stopped to walk, getting afraid of death, curious to turn the time back to the bombing
the bomb burst and nothing happened around neither to me
I was seeing the breaking glasses falling on the street and strong smoke from the building
I was getting courageous and curious, taking more steps ever time
second bomb burst, leaving me with few wounds, some blood on my hands and face
I was getting more courageous and curious every time I take steps to the center of the bombing
thinking about the dead ones and how and what they may felt at the moment of the catastrophe
every time I get closer and bombs bursts, my wounds were getting worse and serious
at the fourth or fifth time I was waiting for the ambulance my body torn out and unconscious.
the last three times I was dying immediately, seeing myself floating above the chaos
falling to the place I was standing, my body parts flowing to different direction and burning
I wasn't feeling any pain in any of the experiences as if I was in other dimensions
feeling different types of numbness, feeling as in a comfortable sleep, kind of peace
feeling an emptiness, as I am floating, as my body has no weight, as experiencing uniqueness
I was surprised of the feelings watching myself dying in different ways
It is shocking not to feel any pain but floating without any weight in the emptiness
I was thinking I/ they should have an immediate death, a power gave an immediate peace
because those were the unmerciful and unjust death of simple people who deserved happiness....

there had been a long time since I learned to deal with the guilt of my precognitive dreams
there had been longest times since I learned with the unmerciful cruelty of human beings
there is still time until I learn the mysteries of my dreams connected with other lives

28 November 2003 - Istanbul 

Dreams:

"After a series of dreams: We were trying to get out something I dropped to the toilet with somebody. Suddenly I found car. There is a man and a woman in the front. It is a red and little car. The car in the front is carrying lots myself in a car in a strange way; like not body but sprit. There are two cars. The one in the front is a bigger one and I can't see how many people there are in it. I am watching the event from the backseat of the second of explosives. The second (red) car is also carrying explosives but these are small but more effective from the ones in the first car. Both cars are driving by the seaside of Bosphorous/ Istanbul. I am trying to see the faces of the woman and men. I am thinking that Istanbul is in danger and I have to learn as much as I can in this dream. I am trying to get/ fly into the other car to see the people and hear what they are speaking too but I can't. The woman in the front seat is asking to the man if he can drive right in to the ship if the ones in the first car will be unsuccessful. The man answers, she can rely him, he can hit the target point. The woman has (and the man) dark hair. I am trying to see their faces but I can't. I am trying to understand where we are. I am seeing that we are at the European side towards the Black Sea of Bosphorus. I am trying to think what ship they may be talking about. I am feeling relaxed thinking there is no main harbor at the area. The woman says to the man; not to worry about the explosion, she will do it fast and with success. I was feeling helpless not being able to fly to the other car or make myself see the faces of the people and get more information."

“I am at the market I always but meat and cheese etc. I am telling Abraham (the son of the shop owner) to prepare me a sandwich. The meat in my hand is turning to a bacon. He don’t want to prepare me a sandwich and I am getting hurt, telling him we know each other nearly for 30 years and we are friends. Somebody is telling that the lottery man with his wheel chair on the corner is protecting the street children at nights. I am beginning to look for the man to find the street children. I am walking towards the cemetery from the shopping street. I am getting lucid when I realize that I am walking towards the HSBC bank building on the corner of the road and street which had bombed. I am thinking if it can be bombed again when I am walking (or if can change the time to the bombing). I am stopping to walk, getting afraid if I will die. The bomb bursts and nothing happens to me. I am seeing the braking glasses falling on the street and strong smoke from the building. I am getting courageous and curious. I am taking a few step. The bomb is bursting again and this time I am getting a few wounds. I am feeling there are some blood on my hands and face. I am getting more and more courageous and curious every time I take steps towards the center of the bombing. I am thinking about the dead ones and how and what they may feel at the moment of the bombing. Every time I get closer and the bomb bursts again, I am getting more hurt and this repeats at least 8-9 times. At the 4th or 5th time I am waiting for the ambulance my body torn out and unconscious. The last 3 times I am dying immediately. Falling to the place I am standing, my body parts flowing to different direction and burning. I am not feeling any pain in any of the experiences as if I am numb. I am feeling different types of numbness as if I am drunk, taken anesthesia or asleep but no pain. I am rather feeling an emptiness, as I am floating, my body has no weight. I am very surprised of the feelings when I am watching myself dying in different ways. It is shocking not to feel any pain but floating in the emptiness without any weight. I am thinking I/ they should have an immediate death or a kind of power had made me/ them numb not to feel any pain because this is an unmerciful and unjust death.”y has no weight. I am very surprised of the feelings when I am watching myself dying in different ways. It is shocking not to feel any pain but floating in the emptiness without any weight. I am thinking I/ they should have an immediate death or a kind of power had made me/ them numb not to feel any pain because this is an unmerciful and unjust death.”